This is a little strange. I don’t really know what made me look but for some reason I decided to see if I could find the girl who contacted me a couple of years back to tell me we were related. And by girl I mean half-sibling. I looked for her message and it was still there so I clicked on her page. There’s not much to see but her profile picture was there and now I am creeped out.

She was the one whose features I could kind of see myself in. Her eyes and mouth aren’t far off mine and from today’s picture her nose is pretty similar too. I think if we were similar sizes we would look quite alike. But that’s not why I’m freaked out, that’s just genetics.

I’m freaked out because she has pink fucking hair!! What the fuck?? What are the chances of that? I mean it’s not the exact same colour, in fact hers is almost closer to red but still, I feel like we’re sharing brain cells or something now! This is weird. You think you are at least alone and original in your own thoughts. Even if they’ve been influenced by outside sources there is I don’t know, like, for instance with hair, something that will appeal to someone and not another and appeal to somebody else so much that they do it themselves. You see? I don’t know how much sense I’m making. I just mean as far as I know we have nothing in common and she lives far away yet for all I know we actually live out our lives in pretty much the same way. She could just be me! Or I her, she was born first. Is a fondness for hair dye genetic? 

Am I freaking out over nothing? Probably. I kind of want to post a picture of her on here but that’s weird

I just took a picture of me trying to do the same face as her. It’s my usual small-smile face. Oh we look the same. Oh my gosh. She has pink hair. I’m so confused as to why I’m reacting like this

A pretty insignificant picture I posted below, right? Well, actually no (it is significant to me anyway)

I don’t remember exactly when but some time before Christmas I dropped a pill on the floor. The pack has the days of the week on so it wasn’t like I could just take the next one because then it would all be wrong. I looked everywhere for it, literally everywhere. I think I took all the junk out from under my bed, emptied bags, searched down by where the carpet and skirting board meet. It was gone. I went to class and later hoovered my entire room. I decided that I would either find it or hoover it up. In my own strange logic I would prefer to suck it up so I knew it was gone and there was no chance of finding it. I guess I had to take the next days and all the days changed. 

Anyway, I just bent down to pick up my shoes and it was just sitting there, right in the middle of the floor. It’s the yellow dot next to my trainers, located in the middle of my room, between the bed and desk. There is no way it’s been there the whole time and I’ve hoovered my room many times (well, maybe like 3 times since Christmas - I was home quite a bit and then busy with essays :P ) and it’s just APPEARED out of nowhere!! Where did it come from? This is such a mystery!

I don’t know what to do with it now. It’s looks all kind of dull compared to the new, shiny ones. I’m not going to take it obviously but I feel like I should keep it for some reason. I’m in awe of it. Where has it been? What has it seen? Well, it’s been in my room, but WHERE??

Anyway, back to my dissertation.

Oh and that is a picture of a half naked man lying in the snow, as you do

I retract what I said before about missing the house. While I will still certainly miss some things/people I am finding myself in an incredibly awkward situation at the moment. It might just be the sleep deprivation talking but I feel incredibly annoyed and am losing faith in much of the male population. I don’t give a fuck if that’s a generalisation. It’s my life and perhaps it’s only the people I find myself associating with but right now I feel quite content to speak to as few men as possible. Never (none of this is going to include my mother) have I had a girl take her mood out on me in such a destructive way and never has a girl insulted me with the later excuse that they didn’t mean it so it is therefore my fault for listening or whatever. I won’t deny that last night’s events are completely exaggerated by everything that has happened in recent months but that is exactly the point. I suppose I’m a better actress than I give myself credit for because people honestly don’t see that this is still a hard time for me and can therefore put all of their selfish emotions first. I’m done. 

I hope after a nap I feel much more indifferent to it all, if only for the sake of a peaceful house

I’ve started writing in my diary again and it feels really good. I think the stuff I write about now can be much more varied as the only time I wrote in it before was to write about bad relationship stuff mostly. Now I write about my friends and what’s going on in the house and what I’ve been doing, the things that should have made up my diary all along. 

I tried testing the waters earlier. They’re still not safe so rather than risk drowning I’ll leave it a while longer. Crap analogy

4 weeks today I imagine I will be pulling my last all-nighter for an essay. 4 weeks! I can go home in just over 4 weeks! Shit, shit, shit. I don’t even know what I’m doing yet as work hasn’t got back to me. I really hope I have a job or my summer is screwed. I should probably email them soon. 

And I still don’t know about this car. Fingers crossed it will all work out. Fingers, toes, legs… I tried arms but it was too hard to type.

I’m going to miss this place so much! But I also miss home (not the house or my mum but other things) though I don’t know how I will cope with those things… I need to become more chilled. Or I could buy ear plugs - sorted.

Oh yeah my birthday is next week and I’m being kidnapped! How exciting! Apparently I have to guess on the way and there will be sweets that I win if I can guess correctly but which will gradually get eaten if I can’t. I haven’t been on a road trip (which is essentially what it is so I can say it because it sounds so cool :P ) since sixth form (if you can call that one) so yes, it is the single most exciting thing that is sure to happen to me in the next couple of weeks (because amongst that time period my dissertation is due, which I’m still nowhere near completing! Can’t think about it or my heart beats fast, I get a headache and my wisdom teeth start growing. No think, just do). Crazy, busy time but I’m not complaining